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And on Approach Anxiety

September 14th, 2007 · 324 Comments

Well since I made the quick post on state, I might as well lay out the number one tip to get over approach anxiety.

This tip works because approach anxiety is much bigger than we think it is. Most men are afraid to approach women, and they focus intensely on that fear, but in reality, they are anxious about approaching anyone. That’s key, because it means you can get over your anxiety about approaching women by getting over your anxiety about approach in general.

The number one way to get over approach anxiety is… ready for it? To approach.

But just think about what approaching is. It is going up to someone, an saying something. Anything. It doesn’t matter.

I’ve heard of people doing well by picking a busy street corner, standing there, and saying “hello” to everyone who walks by. FOR HOURS. They repeat this for several days, until they’ve said “hello” to a thousand people.

Like anything, after that many hellos, there won’t be anything scary about saying hello.

After that, step it up. Approach women on the street and ask them the time. When they tell you, say thank you and walk away. Repeat. The second or third time you do this, don’t wait for the woman to disappear over the horizon. Just go up to someone else and ask again. Will the last girl think you’re weird? YES. Will you care? I hope not. Why would you? You don’t know her. And you’ll get some good insights into people and how they respond to strangeness. Very likely, one or two of them will ask you why you just did that. Start a conversation with them. Tell them you are getting over approach anxiety.

Once, in Santa Monica, a guy came up to me and two girls I was walking with. This was on a busy thoroughfare (the 3rd St. Promenade, for those familiar with Santa Monica). He was dressed in nothing but a thong underwear, holding a sign that said something like “when I say hello to 10,000 people, I will give everything I own to Greenpeace”. Some condition of talking to X number of people, and he would do Y. It doesn’t matter what it was really. He went into a little pitch about whatever was on that sign to us, and engaged the girls. For a moment, they weren’t paying any attention to me, but were more curious about this guy and what he was doing.

Of course they thought he was a tool, but did he care?

When the girls broke off to go into a store, I approached the guy, and asked him what this was really about. He told me he had a terrible approach anxiety, and he decided to just go balls out and get over it finally. Going out at night, in his underwear, and approaching people with a bizarre pitch was his way of getting over it. The theory, he told me, was that if he can survive approaching people under these circumstances, he could survive anything.

He was right. I wish I could find him and see where he is now. He was in his 30s, and utterly fed up with approach anxiety.  What a badass he was, how cool is that?  To be so irked by that one flaw in you that you just throw up your hands, say “fuck it”, and get over it in the most dramatic way possible.  I love that shit.  I love that guy’s confidence.

Another thing to remember is that we all have approach anxiety.  Everyone, from the most insane PUA to the sorriest AFC.  I’ve had more experiences than I could possibly recount for you — hell, I wrote the book on threesomes — and yet I still feel sick inside when I approach a woman.  It’s natural.  But that doesn’t mean it should stop you.

Tags: Theory

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