I already stated earlier that opening a set is really half the battle. It’s probably actually more like 80% of the battle, if you aren’t so socially inept that you crash and burn in the first couple moments after opening.
The reason it is 50-80% of the battle is that the number one reason guys can’t connect with girls is approach anxiety. A lot of men feel like something is wrong with them, that it is never going to happen because they have this built in deflector that prevents them from ever approaching a woman.
The truth is: everyone has approach anxiety. EVERYBODY. The biggest pimp you’ve ever met is secretly shitting his pants when he calmly and coolly strolls over to open a set. The key difference between him and you is that he knows how to manage that anxiety. It’s not as simply as merely ignoring it. Sometimes you can redirect it into a more positive energy. Sometimes you can simply deal with it.
That’s where the 3 second rule comes in. The 3 second rule simply states that, from the moment you notice the girl you want to talk to until you move over to talk to her, no more than 3 seconds should transpire.
Why? Because anxiety builds. Anxiety doesn’t hit you all at once, full-speed. It starts off small, and then grows. Think about anything you’ve ever been hesitant to do. For me, a great example was roller coasters. I used to be scared shitless of the things. If I made up my mind before going to a theme park that I was going to get on one of those things, my anxiety would slowly build on the trip over. If I hadn’t totally changed my mind by the time I got to the parking lot, I would stand in front of it, looking up at it, telling my friends something like “uh, I don’t feel like it now, I’ll ride it later. Like after lunch, ok?”
But the longer I waited, the less likely I was going to get on it. By the end of the day, I was such a nervous wreck — about something I never even did — that there was no chance I was ever getting on that thing. What I should have done was run right up to it and jumped on.
A more common example is getting in a swimming pool for the first time. Or going swimming in the ocean. Cold, right? Are you the kind of guy who just jumps right in, or are you the kind of guy who slowly walks in, as if that will make things any better? If you have approach anxiety, you are probably the second guy. And you probably get in the water just up to ball-level and then decide you don’t really feel like swimming.
Am I right? Of course I’m right.
So follow the 3 second rule. Get your ass in the game before the anxiety can overtake you. Anxiety is not a physical thing, it’s just an emotion. And all emotions can be dealt with.
I have my own addition to the 3 second rule, which I call the quick return. Let’s return to the roller coaster example. When I finally got up the nerve to get on a roller coaster, guess what happened when I got off? I was so damned scared I was almost pissing myself. My mind was repeating the same phrase over and over again: “don’t do that again, don’t EVER do that again!”
And I didn’t. For years.
When I finally did climb back on a roller coaster (because of a girl, naturally), it was the most monstrous, huge and intimidating thing I ever saw — about 100 times scarier than the one that scarred me years ago. When I got off, I was horrified. It was one of the worst experiences I ever had. I was shaking, a wreck. Do you know what I did? I turned around and immediately got back on it.
And guess what? The second time was fun as hell, and I’ve been hooked on roller coasters ever since.
I have a friend who has been an airplane pilot for years. When she was learning as a child, she crashed her plane. Imagine how utterly terrifying it would be to crash an airplane! Her father, who was training her and in the plane during the crash, dragged her back to the airport, threw her in his plane, and made her take off again, as quickly as possible. The reason he did this is because he knew that the horror of crashing that plane would prevent her from ever flying again unless she got back behind the wheel again. And it worked.
I call this the quick return. If you are anxious about approaching a woman, there is a good chance you are going to blow it the first time. The experience may make you never want to approach another woman again. Don’t give in to this. Get back in the saddle as quickly as possible.
Here’s an exercise you can do. Approach a woman expecting failure. Expect failure. If you expect it, it won’t shock you when it happens. When you lose her attention, immediately approach another one. Make a note of how you feel. You will expect, going into this, to feel worse. In reality, you will feel much, much more relaxed the second time, even though you crashed and burned moments before.
2 responses so far ↓
1 L. Lewis // Aug 15, 2007 at 11:01 am
Excellent advice. I’ve spoken to many guys that have said the same thing, more or less. They usually say “Heck, If I THOUGHT about it, I’ve never do it.”
Alcohol usually helps the “no thinking” thing. Unfortunately, women tend to notice that you had to get some liquid courage just to approach them.
2 seenstr // Aug 15, 2007 at 11:50 am
I should do a post about alcohol. In a nutshell:
1. Yes, I’ve gotten laid while totally shitfaced. Unfortunately my judgement was WAY off, and consequently, my choice in partner was… lets just say less than desirable. And to top it all off (even though this might actually be a plus), I can’t recall a moment of it.
2. As you said, women tend to look down on a guy who is trashed. A little buzz goes a long way, but if you have to medicate to get up the nerve to talk to a girl, you are probably going beyond just buzzing to slurring, sloppy mess. Not good.
3. Always remember that becoming good with women, or even becoming a great PUA isn’t just about getting laid, its about improving yourself as a person. While alcohol might help in the club, how is it going to help in other interpersonal relationships, job interviews, your general presence in the real world, etc?
Your goal should never be “get laid tonight”. It should always be “become a person I am happy being”. Alcohol can’t make you love yourself (at least you won’t still love yourself after you sober up!), so it’s best to practice the real techniques of self-improvement that last when you leave the club.
Thanks for the comment Lewis! I’m glad to have you as a reader!
Leave a Comment